Making cents of it all

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End took in $142 million over the four day weekend, breaking the Memorial Day weekend record set by X-Men: The Last Stand last year ($123 million). Pirates 3 fell short, however, of the $151 million Spider-Man 3 took in last weekend.

I just don't get what decides which of these movies become blockbusters and which don't. X-Men United only took in $86 million opening weekend but is a much better movie than it's sequel. Same with Spider-Man 2 which took in a then Herculean $116 million. The Passion of the Christ grossed $371 million domestic, but United 93 grossed only $31 million. Norbit grossed $95 million domestic; I've got no movie to compare Norbit to and I've never seen it but there's no way it isn't horrendous.

Is it all based on promotion or sex appeal? Do you need to appeal to the 14 year old boy with out of control hormones, or the the 39 year old soccer mom who just wants something that will shut the kids up for two hours? Any commercial for any of the Pirates movies had at least one shot of a monkey covering his eyes, ears, or mouth. Does that guarantee an extra $50 million? Is every shot of Keira Knightley's naval worth $5 million?

It all comes down to how many memorable shots you can stick into a 30 second ad. Home Alone was just an excuse to show a Joe Pesci get nailed by a bucket like 5 times every commercial break. Does anyone read reviews? Or care about the direction or writing? I'm not just pushing artsy movies - The Prestige was my favorite movie of 2006 and it only grossed $53 million. It had Scarlett Johansson, who can match up to Knightley. It had Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale, who should be at least equal to Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom. And I found the preview for it riveting, with narration by Michael Caine and some startling images. But it just didn't click for audiences.

It was a relief, however, to see my next two favorite movies of 2006, The Departed and Borat, each take in about $130 million domestic despite both being rated R. So maybe I shouldn't focus on the top grossers and look at the bigger picture. It's just hard hearing these record breaking numbers about seemingly random movies. Seeing Disney score these giant hits is kind of like seeing Mr. Burns win the giveaway at the Isotopes game.